This just in: PETA Accused of Bias

by Argent Selene
Chicago Moon Times

Speaking from his private room in Forest Park's Riveredge Hospital, Dr. Ken Phillips announced today that he was forming an animal rights group to address what he claims is "pernicious species bias" in the PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). According to Phillips, PETA has shown a "consistent and blatant disregard for species that do not meet their 'cute and cuddly' standards".

While PETA has been aggressive in seeking protection for mammals and even a few birds, it has shown "no interest in preserving species that are at the very heart of our ecosystem". Dr. Phillips is referring to the microorganisms - bacteria, fungi and viruses. "Don't forget the Archaea!", Phillips interjects as he receives his afternoon sedative injection.

In order to correct what he sees as "nothing less than species-ism", Phillips has formed "People for the Ethical Treatment of Every Microscopic And Larger Lifeform" (PET-EM-ALL). He was driven to do this, he says, when he learned that the US and Russia were planning to destroy the last stocks of smallpox virus. "Do you realize," he said, "that smallpox has been completely eradicated in the wild? That the only remaining specimens are in laboratories?"

He paused to wipe spittle from his lips with the shoulder of his straitjacket. "People are marching in the streets to save a fish that nobody ever heard of but not a single leaflet was printed to protest the extinction of a virus that shaped the human world for centuries!"

"How long will it be before other viruses are wiped out or reduced to the point where they only exist as isolated specimens in a laboratory freezer?", he asked. "They've done that with smallpox and now there is a concerted multinational effort to wipe out polio and measles! What sort of sick minds in PETA let them stand by in silence while this massacre is carried out?"

As the medication began to work, Dr. Phillips' face become less purple and his voice returned to a more normal tone and intensity. "You know," he said in a conspiratorial whisper, "The PETA folks have antimicrobial soap in their lavatories - you know what that's for, don't you? They are wiping out bacteria and viruses in their own headquarters!"

Our interview was cut short when Dr. Phillips was escorted to his pottery session by a brace of burly aides. Before he left, Dr. Phillips had this to say:

"If the PETA people were really serious about preventing cruelty, they'd be looking at the millions and trillions of helpless bacteria and viruses that are killed every day by soaps, bleach and disinfectants! The slaughterhouses and chicken farms are nothing compared to the mass-murder that happens every day in the average American bathroom!"

When reached for comment, a PETA spokeperson, who wished to remain anonymous, said "He's nuts! And so are you if you listened to him!" PETA declined to confirm or deny their use of antimicrobial soap.